I don’t have it all figured out
Sometimes I wonder if I would ever do
My spark seems to dim
With every passing day
Every hour, every minute, every second
The times I used to know myself
Feel like a distant past
Out of reach
I feel stuck
I don’t feel true to my soul
I feel like I’m losing myself
My personality changing
Slowly affected by my surroundings
My life feels vapid at times
I’ve learnt to withhold my true nature
To blossom like a flower in spring feels like a dream so laughable
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore
Am I wearing someone else’s shoes?
Struggling to fit in
Like a duck looking for its mother in the pond
So white, so pure yet still so lost
When did it all deteriorate?
Human connection I presume
There can be no other way
I remember when I used to live in my thoughts
That was my hiding place
The voices in my head comforted me
Strings of words forming without blemish
But the minute where I was taught to interact and stop living in my head was when things changed
It opened me up to the thoughts and ideals of the world
They are slowly changing me
I was told to listen,
Maybe I just haven’t listened well
I was told to depend on God
Trust in him they say
How can I focus when I constantly hear things that don’t make me feel happy?
Or things that don’t conform to my being
Still I wait
For that epiphany that may never come
THE LOVER I DESPERATELY WANT BUT CANNOT HAVE
I’m sorry if I hurt you
I’m sorry if the mere thought of me sends shivers down your spine
The bare sound of my voice makes you cringe
Or makes you think of the echoes the last time our skins touched
I’m sorry I can’t give you what I want
I’m just scared of someone doing the same to me because my actions might actually hurt someone you love
Someone you care deeply about
Someone you fought hard to get and keep
Just to make that lasting commitment.
I am unaware of the obstacles you have encountered
The tough choices you’ve had to make
I can hear it in your voice
I can see it in your actions
I can feel it anytime we exchange words, thoughts or ideas
When you’re silent; when your eyes linger for two to three seconds
Just before you blink
That’s the best time to feel it
Your inordinate ability not to reveal so much that you’ve perfected to the tee.
I know it has made you a better person
I’ve told you sometimes
That’s exactly what I like about you.
The ability to balance it
Just the right amount of balance
You’re nice but dangerous
That’s what’s attracting me to you
That’s why I can’t stop thinking about you
You’re dangerous to my heart, U!
We’re too alike, I’ve told you before
We would end up hurting or annoying each other
We already are
It would never work
No matter how simple it might seem
My first mistake was the first time I smiled at you
My eyes were inviting
I know that’s my spark
I knew that would draw you to me
Wanting fuelled with earthly desires
But too scared of the consequences
How far can we go until one person gets hurt?
I hope I’m not the ONE
I’ve really struggled with writing a tribute to you Grandma. They feel like my last words to you and an acceptance that you are truly gone.
Over the years, our relationship evolved into something so beautiful I would forever hold dear to my heart. My earliest memories of you were of going to your house on special occasions and having to eat your delicious meals. I saw you as a home-maker and a lover of people. Your house was always full of people, both family and non-family and I always looked forward to the times when we would go back to your house. We had a tumultuous relationship during my teenage years because I had to endure your endless counselling sessions on how to take care of a home. This was just your motherly nature speaking to me and now I understand that.
My best memories of you are the last couple of years before you passed away. Barely a month before you passed on, we spent some quality time together. We talked and laughed so much about a lot of things. Your years growing up, my graduation, upcoming call to bar and in the nearest future, my wedding. I remember looking at you, your legs (my favourite similarity between both of us), listening to every breath while you slept and being grateful that you were alive. I remember asking you endless questions. I didn’t know death was going to snatch you away from me so soon. I wish I had asked more questions. As I was about to leave, you said “I’m already missing you”. I remember feeling a bit sad because I knew that we had bonded so much during that period and I did not want it to end. I left hopeful that I would see you again.
Your death was a rude shock and images of you kept on flashing in my head willing for it all to be a lie or a bad dream. It just wasn’t possible in my head, you were not meant to go so soon, we had planned so many things together.
On the morning of my call to bar, I wept so much because I knew you were meant to be there, you kept on asking me about when my result was coming out. I was comforted with your sweet angelic voice telling me congratulations. If I think about it deeply, I could almost feel your hands on mine, you holding me. Your memory, your voice, can never be forgotten.
The day before your passing, we still talked about you at your daughter-in-law’s office. Soon after the conversation, I remember feeling sad, sick, edgy and irritable for no reason. I just felt weird. It was like I knew I was going to hear about the sad news of your death the following day.
The 11th of November, 2015 was the longest and darkest day of my life. The day didn’t want to end and the world looked different. I’m the one missing you now Grandma, I want to hear your sweet voice once again, hear your jokes and laughter.
You had a gentle heart and a loving spirit
You were a rare gem of unfathomable quality
A treasure that can never be replaced
Grandma, you were my angel on earth
Like your name, Durosomo, you wanted to live and that you did. You were a blessing to me and the world. Your eyes whispered truth, echoed sincerity. Your words reverberated with wisdom.
The thought of you dying so soon never came to me or anyone. I always thought it was going to happen when I was “mature” enough to handle it. How wrong were my thoughts, no one is ever mature enough to handle it. I’m happy God not only brought you into my life but he made you family, my own blood. Thanks for blessing us with your beautiful soul. Your light, that endless, beautiful, endearing glow shall forever remain in my heart. Goodbye, Grandma,kisses.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do”
Fear is necessarily not a bad emotion. To be honest, I believe it is a booster. Great leaders of today and times past have all admitted to being scared at one point in their lives or when they were about to undertake a big project that might change their lives forever.
What really is fear?
A feeling of helplessness and anxiety of what lies on the other side. Wanting something so much but not ready to face the consequences.
The feeling of overcoming fear is one of the best feelings in life. We all need to push through, to do things we are most scared of because only when we do can we really know what we are capable of. Fear is an unseen shield/barrier pulling you away from your dreams. We should be angry at fear. This might seem like a paradox because why use one seemingly negative emotion to combat the other? The only way to combat fear is by using an intense emotion or have a burning desire to want change. Fear stops you from wanting so much of what could be truly yours. It is a mind-killer, a buzz-kill, a slow death. The reality is that you miss out on opportunities, being the best that you can be, good lasting memories, true happiness and LIFE when you’re always scared.
Like a Japanese proverb, “Fear is only as the mind allows”. Fear is in the mind and is totally separate from our actions. The minute you realise that you can do anything you will yourself to do, the stronger your spirit would become.
When you are able to step out of that delusion called fear, the more confident you would feel and an inner peace is realised. To attain success is no easy feat and it might be scary to know that we can be so much more if we only tried. We just have to breathe and know that come what may, everything is going to fall into place eventually.