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RollysDiary

Musings of a Wandering Mind

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Slapping myself back to consciousness

 

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?
Are you even thinking about me?
Slapping myself back to consciousness
Berating my soul for sharing it’s depth
I’m lost in the wind
Staring into the mist
Trying to find a way out
Feeling the pangs
Willing to hold on
Strength is all I seek
After all it’s all I’ve always known
You can’t force what’s not yours
No matter how much you try
How to kill the desire
To want what I know I can never have
What I shouldn’t have
That’s what hurts
Returning to my former self
Filled with anger for letting myself go
Knowing fully well I’m entering territories I’m not used to

Tired with a Smile

 

Echoes left behind
Plenty good, little bad
Little speck seen
Insecurities they do not know
The little limp hidden
My wide-toothed smile forgotten
A bad neck
Felt but not noticed
Imperfect but perfect
A curve here and there
Beauty is all that’s left to see
A light some people cannot stand to see or feel

Hands pulled in different directions

Let me play the FOOL for you

 

I’ve been strong for too long
Careful for too long
Let me allow you to play with my heart strings
To toss me around to your hearts content
Allowing you to rip through my guarded bubble of emotions
My walls slowly crumbling down
It is my decision to make
It is not what I’m used to
But doing it differently might actually work
Or maybe not….

Pain

He drags me by the hair

I feel the cold hard ground beneath me

A loud scream or was it an empty attempt of a scream escapes from my lips as I feel the edge of our 1940’s Italian made side table pierce through my side

I still remember when I bought that table

It was one of the first items we bought when we moved into our house four years ago.

For a split second I remembered how happy I was

For a split second I remembered how happy he made me

When his smile could wipe away my tears

When he was all I wanted to see after a bad day at work

A slap across the face brought me back to consciousness

He looked at me and demanded the same question again

This was my Gboyega

Now he was looking at me like a stranger

He was looking at me like he was thinking of a million ways to hurt me

A million ways to make me suffer

He didn’t want to kill me

But he wanted to come close

And why?

Because of his pride

I tried to stand to my feet and his strong legs kicked me back to the ground

This same legs that I had massaged for so long

Ever since I knew him

Ever since I knew that was his soft spot

He loved massages and I gave it to him whenever I pleased or he did

This same legs were forcing me to the ground in careless abandon

He brought my face to his and demanded this same question

I could feel his spit on my face

I could smell his breath on my face

There was a time his face would come close to mine and with a look I would know what he wanted

My insides would melt

And the space between my legs would become warm with desire

I still remember the first day I met him

The first thing he said to me

“Why would a girl like you come to a place like this?”

I hated the fact that he thought I was a spoilt rich girl

A woman who was brought up in a cocoon of wealth

He grew to love me

And I loved him back

Gboyega punched me in my belly

And I was reminded of the fact that I had taken a pregnancy test two days ago

I was still reeling from the uncertainty

From my own careless abandon

My own naïveté

Walls were closing in on me

He punched me again

And I had to beg him to stop

I tried to hold on to the arms that I had lovingly held in the past

The same hands that had touched me where every woman wants to be touched

He asked me this same question again

Who’s Tony?

Hearing his name escaping from his lips sounded unreal and real at the same time

This same name was the reason why I was in a fix

This same name had brought me joy and pain

I shouldn’t have done it

But I let it happen anyways

I clutched my belly and I knew I had a decision to make

I looked at Gboyega with a look I knew he had never seen on my face

I was surprised at the way I felt all of a sudden

Like a cold wave had rushed through me

My head a blank space of emptiness

And the last thought that I had as I rose from the ground was

“What is done, is done”

 

A bitter black woman

A bitter black woman that’s not what I want

A bitter black woman that’s all I see

Feelings of distraught

Feelings of being left

Not being sought

Ashamed

Neglected

Solace seems like a non-existent phenomenon

Peace seeping through my fingers

Happiness feels like light years away

Like a distant land that people have talked about but have never found

Constant disappointments

Without much difference

Still the same

Or is it the mother hen that needs to change

A myriad of emotions

Thoughtless

Running away felt like the best option

 

My love for Chimamanda

My love for Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is all-encompassing
She says all the things I want to say
All the things my feelings can’t convey
All my innermost thoughts
She depicts how angry I am at the world
How angry I am at what is considered normal
She makes me want to be fearless
She makes me want to tell my story
She makes me want to be true to myself
To not give a fuck about what society thinks of me
The only way you can truly change is if you’re angry
You must reach your boiling point
Your body must rage and shiver with desire
Your mind must let go and be open to whatever
That’s why great leaders succeed
They don’t conform
You have to let go rolly
Stop being mindful about every damn thing
Focus on things that matter and you can control
Listen to what drives your soul
Listen to what makes you think you can do anything
Do what makes you smile
Society should not define you
YOU define society

Fake Friendships

Fake friendships

From the beginning, I’ve always hated you
Before you spoke to me, I envied you
I smiled and wanted to get to know you
From our first outing, I was jealous of you
You tell me you love me, I say I love you but I hate you
You tell me your secrets and problems, I tell you it’s all gonna get better but I pray they stay with you
I’ve lied to you
In my mind, I’m killing you
I want to take everything that’s good about you
I wanna hurt you
I love going out with you but in my mind I can’t stand you.
In the end I realize I just want to be you

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