You like to play, I can tell
It’s obvious in the way you smile when he’s around
In the way you touch his hair
In the way you hold his gaze
You seem to be looking for something
A thirst so deep an ocean can’t quench
An affirmation of reciprocated lust
He is not what you would normally want
But that is your thrill
He knows this
He is enjoying it
He touches your skin
He drills his eyes into you
He smiles
He realises you both want the same thing
He drags me by the hair
I feel the cold hard ground beneath me
A loud scream or was it an empty attempt of a scream escapes from my lips as I feel the edge of our 1940’s Italian made side table pierce through my side
I still remember when I bought that table
It was one of the first items we bought when we moved into our house four years ago.
For a split second I remembered how happy I was
For a split second I remembered how happy he made me
When his smile could wipe away my tears
When he was all I wanted to see after a bad day at work
A slap across the face brought me back to consciousness
He looked at me and demanded the same question again
This was my Gboyega
Now he was looking at me like a stranger
He was looking at me like he was thinking of a million ways to hurt me
A million ways to make me suffer
He didn’t want to kill me
But he wanted to come close
And why?
Because of his pride
I tried to stand to my feet and his strong legs kicked me back to the ground
This same legs that I had massaged for so long
Ever since I knew him
Ever since I knew that was his soft spot
He loved massages and I gave it to him whenever I pleased or he did
This same legs were forcing me to the ground in careless abandon
He brought my face to his and demanded this same question
I could feel his spit on my face
I could smell his breath on my face
There was a time his face would come close to mine and with a look I would know what he wanted
My insides would melt
And the space between my legs would become warm with desire
I still remember the first day I met him
The first thing he said to me
“Why would a girl like you come to a place like this?”
I hated the fact that he thought I was a spoilt rich girl
A woman who was brought up in a cocoon of wealth
He grew to love me
And I loved him back
Gboyega punched me in my belly
And I was reminded of the fact that I had taken a pregnancy test two days ago
I was still reeling from the uncertainty
From my own careless abandon
My own naïveté
Walls were closing in on me
He punched me again
And I had to beg him to stop
I tried to hold on to the arms that I had lovingly held in the past
The same hands that had touched me where every woman wants to be touched
He asked me this same question again
Who’s Tony?
Hearing his name escaping from his lips sounded unreal and real at the same time
This same name was the reason why I was in a fix
This same name had brought me joy and pain
I shouldn’t have done it
But I let it happen anyways
I clutched my belly and I knew I had a decision to make
I looked at Gboyega with a look I knew he had never seen on my face
I was surprised at the way I felt all of a sudden
Like a cold wave had rushed through me
My head a blank space of emptiness
And the last thought that I had as I rose from the ground was
“What is done, is done”
A bitter black woman that’s not what I want
A bitter black woman that’s all I see
Feelings of distraught
Feelings of being left
Not being sought
Ashamed
Neglected
Solace seems like a non-existent phenomenon
Peace seeping through my fingers
Happiness feels like light years away
Like a distant land that people have talked about but have never found
Constant disappointments
Without much difference
Still the same
Or is it the mother hen that needs to change
A myriad of emotions
Thoughtless
Running away felt like the best option
My love for Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is all-encompassing
She says all the things I want to say
All the things my feelings can’t convey
All my innermost thoughts
She depicts how angry I am at the world
How angry I am at what is considered normal
She makes me want to be fearless
She makes me want to tell my story
She makes me want to be true to myself
To not give a fuck about what society thinks of me
The only way you can truly change is if you’re angry
You must reach your boiling point
Your body must rage and shiver with desire
Your mind must let go and be open to whatever
That’s why great leaders succeed
They don’t conform
You have to let go rolly
Stop being mindful about every damn thing
Focus on things that matter and you can control
Listen to what drives your soul
Listen to what makes you think you can do anything
Do what makes you smile
Society should not define you
YOU define society
Fake friendships
RollysDiary 